3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
Outside the community dumpsters: beer bottles and a carton of orange juice. Looks like we were here.
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Randomize
