the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
I'm eating all of the evidence.
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
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