so i realized that everyone figured out i was a slut before i did. then i realized that no one felt like telling me. sometimes i think you just keep me around for entertainment.
you're right.
We video chatted for almost two hours. But I woke up with puke on my keyboard. The question of the day: were we still chatting when I vommed? No idea.
you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
Randomize
