Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
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