Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
So how was it?
The cemetery or the sex?
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
Randomize
