I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
I would compare it to a jeffrey but in smoothie form. More drugs in here than Bobby Brown's sock drawer.
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
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