I asked what she wanted from Hawaii. She said a baby like Aaden from JK 8.
where am I supposed to find one of those?
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
I think ur a lot drunker then u think u are. That girl has the body of a cartoon character and not in a good way.
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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