I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
Operation Purity has been aborted
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
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