I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
There are twenty eight units in that building. There has to be at least one heterosexual in it. You can't have fucked your way through all of it.
Randomize
