Ps there is totally a drug addled prostitute in olympic pizza asking for change for a 100 bill
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
I think that maybe Alyssa may of had too much to drink. is it normal for her to straddle random people in quizno's?
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
