i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
You were a for sure 10. You put on a traffic cone to meet someone.
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
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