I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
Bad news is im a slut again. Good news is its with people ive been a slut with before.
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
Randomize
