So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
We're doing a case race on Saturday.
I'm in. I'm currently drinking a beer in the bathtub so I guess I can consider this "practice" and not just "alcoholism"
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
Randomize
