I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
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Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
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I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
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