Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
If fixing it is ignoring it, and getting naked. Then yes we fixed it.
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
Randomize
