please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
I have tasted many bathrooms
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize
