Maybe I'll tuck it in and pretend to be a woman pretending to be a man that is attracted to women that are attracted to women who look like men
Banned from zoo.
Again?
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Randomize
