I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
I would rather contract a disease that would eat me from the inside out and make me suffer painfully while it slowly killed me than to put myself through the 20 minutes of agony that is having sex with you ever ever again.
I think you're talking dirty but I'm not sure???
Randomize