I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
do you think they make care bear costumes for cats?
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
time to smoke my breakfast
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
Randomize
