The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
My RA just gave me tips on how to have discreet shower sex. Were we that loud?
She had a baby and now works at Hooters. She is the poster child for peaking in high school.
well this is gonna sound really bad but we were fooling around on sandra's electrical wheelchair
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
You should really look at your snapstory. It has us screaming " MANSION DICK! SUCK IT! FUCK IT!" By the way im currently in a mansion and need you to pick me up
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Randomize
