p.s. this guy just tipped me with ecstasy pills. is this real life
I realized today that I should stop thinking so much with my vagina instead of my brain.
Please tell me this doesn't mean another "surprise road trip" where I spend all my money on gas and the SURPRISE destination is the abortion clinic.
But what if I pay for the gas?
okay so using the row boat as a giant snow sled probably wasn't the best idea.
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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