I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
we have officially mastered the walk of shame
I just watched Jersey Shore so I would know what rock bottom was when I reach it.
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
Randomize
