Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
"reccomended dose" hasn't been in my vocabulary for quite some time.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
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