What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
I woke up in a beaver hat and contruction vest.. I need answers.
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
Randomize
