just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
basically at this point ill snort whatever you put in front of me and just hope
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
I think we might need a safe word for this...
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
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