Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
but the lizard people decide everything anyway
just watched a girl laugh at her own fingers... it's not even noon...
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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