i wonder what thom yorke's orgasms sound like
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
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