i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
listen. he fixes things. buys me drinks and sticks his penis in my vagina. age means nothing at this low point in my life.
In other news, I just burned my penis
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
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