Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
I just came so hard I growled. Definitely found my gspot.
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
of fours songebofy did dknt stop believing
how legible are my texts
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
just went home with a guy that made fun of me in elementary school. this blow job is not going well for him.
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
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