rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
Would you wanna look up as you cum and for a split-second see your dad?
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
Randomize
