My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
He's been dancing to the same Rob Thomas album in his room for almost 8 hours now. Please never, ever bring extacy over here again.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
Randomize
