This guy sitting next to me just bought a plot of land off the internet. On a whim. In the middle of class
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
Randomize
