new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Randomize
