my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
Nakedness is not a toga. Just sayin
So i decided to deal with the awkwardness of last night by making out with all three of them
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
It's a drunk scavenger hunt.
Everything on the list counts for double points if done naked.
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
Randomize
