Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
I don't care who it's from we're getting blown. It's a 3 day weekend anything can happen
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
With a few pieces of metal and duct tape and a bong was created
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
Randomize
