he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
Everything we own is covered in grass and KY
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
Randomize
