it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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