Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
his logic is that since hes already cheated on her w me its doesnt count
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
all we did was drink wine and talk about how people who dont have facebook dont exist.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.