420 ftw
Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
All three women i have fucked in the past week are here in the same bar. Gameface, go.
Gonna go for any of them?
Thursday night girl, but friday is watching and tuesday is serving us.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
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