Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
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