I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
Do you remember whose house we're in?
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
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