my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
She either was great at sex or I finished the whole bottle of svedka my self
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
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