better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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