The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
Maybe you shouldn't go to cosmic bowling, i don't know if cum glows and I don't wanna find out i'm sure his parents don't either.
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
You showed your tits for hundreds of beads but magically became shy when there was food on the line
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize
