Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
Sounds good. I will just get tanked here and wear this batman mask.
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
Well right but if we go, he may just disappear for a long time into the unknown with the drag queens.
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Randomize
