i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
No. I remember how loud you used to get. Trust me.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
he's gonorrhea incarnate
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
Randomize
