I just pynch a tree in the face
I accidentally burped into my bong.
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
Well she started to strip and when she slung her hair at me, she painted my face with sweat. A LOT OF SWEAT. It was a weird boner.
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
Oh, in response to your "does dating get better" question...I feel like penises are getting smaller nowadays. Its been several years since I saw a good 8+ incher.
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
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