Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
They had an Olympic theme party at her work yesterday. She brought home her fake gold medal and hung it on my cock after she rode me.
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
Randomize
