My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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