My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
There are 3 speedbumps now up. Think you can manage the urge to piss on them?
Aw shit! That's like putting me a in a room full of Captiain Crunch Donuts and Jasper Hale and not letting me put my mouth on either.
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
So, settle a debate for my housemates. Have you measured your dick. And how long. Results Will not be disclosed
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
