If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
tequila makes me forget i have legs
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
I do remember getting hit in the face by an ugly one because she thought I was blowing on her butthole.
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
Hes drunk and dancing naked. I can hear his dick smacking his legs from the next room.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Randomize
