Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
you traded sex for a burrito?
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
Thats alot of pressure.
Just on your vagina. BTW I'm passing your house.
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Randomize
