My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
We saw some woman wearing leather pants. It was weird. We have decided to follow her on her travels to see where people go in leather pants in Michigan.
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
SEX BINGO!
Canadian or clown?
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
