Pants 0. Shit 1.
batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
Randomize
