I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
eh, I feel I'm heading for a breakdown and I need to get it out of the way before I start writing that lab report.
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
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