just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
Rolling one last joint on my Psych textbook before trading it in. I might actually cry.
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
wyd
Laying here debating on if i want a sandwich or an orgasm.
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
Randomize
