My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
He;s fine. He just kept saying "hurricane Gordon is coming to shore" and flexed his muscles a lot.
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
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All I know is he mentioned whips, leather cuffs, and a riding crop. It's like Halloween, Christmas, and My birthday all in one. a 5 year old couldn't even possibly be this excited.
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
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I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
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