I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
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